Love the system

I was so young desperately seeking freedom, right after I got out of my childhood,
There was walls all around me, following me where ever I go.
I tried to run away, I found my self away from the shadows it offered me; I got scared, the sun burned my tender skin.
Lost again and forced to get in the shadow of these high walls, hating the walls but laying underneath it, sometimes trying to climb it and other times tempted to go run under the sun. I many times tried to crack those walls, it crashed my nails, and wounded my skin.
My body covered with dust my skin getting thicker, but still the situation is the same.
There was that door that I was too proud to get through it, I did not want to be similar to every one, similar to those old people getting through it.
I wanted to be like those few who I see from time to time, they have grown older, they are still on the outside but unlike me they have a smile on their face and a mysterious deep look in their eyes.
I wanted to learn, I heard stories about them that said that they are like no other humans or some said that they are not humans at all.
Staring from far, never dared to talk to them, never dared to get close to them.
Growing with time, courage grew in my heart and I walk toward these men.
Getting close to them I heard them sing a song, the main refrain was the same I grew up hearing from the people around "Oh, it's a dangerous world boys, repeat and say. Oh, it's a dangerous world boys."
Weird are those guys, they are men above men, they are singing the same song as the small men.
Yes, this is what I heard what I understood, it is the same lyrics. I felt desperate, there was no answer. I picked up my self all this distance maybe I can find an answer for all the "hows" I asked.
Time is still playing his game, I did not want to give, up I stayed and roamed for years in-vain no answer; Walked back home or better to say walked back to where I was.
Getting closer to the old places the sound of the legends was decreasing and the sound of dead was rising, yes it was the same words being singed by all... This is when I stopped, my body shivering, it truly is the same words but it is not the same song. The dead where singing again and again singing but nagging, nagging and crying "Oh, it's a dangerous world boys"; while my ears missed the singing of the legends, who were singing and shouting, screaming and celebrating the tough days the high obstacles.
Wonder never left my heart, but that breeze of an answer was caressing my skin.
There was no way I can go back now to the legends because I can't survive long in their shadows, I continued my way to my old place, now I have new eyes admiring new stuff and having a different perspective reading all what is around, but the view is not getting any more beautiful than before.
I have seen her one day playing around and giving me an attractive look from time to time, she had magic in her eyes like I have never seen; attracted me to her and got me under her spell. She pushed in my veins an extreme power that almost blew me up from the inside, I almost got an over dose, much over than what my body could ever handle. I was not really enjoying that boost I enjoyed the new experience that was taking over my mind till it got me drunk and unconscious.
I followed her steps with joy, but she was like every one heading to that mysterious door, I never like the odor getting out of it... It was painful seeing that she decided to go with the flow. It was the first time I get that close to the door what allowed me to look through it and see what sucks people inside.
Every one seemed happy. still not convinced I decided to make that step inside, because the external world became so repetitive.
Nothing surprising there, all smiles, fake smiles because each is shameful to show his boredom. But I couldn't do the same, I was smiling at the beginning everything new brings some joy to my heart. Benefit from some rest and explore the new entourage cause soon the trip must continue.
Examining the place, I found it was wilder and wider than it's inhabitants make it look. I knew that I can live there and discover the place and enjoying the daily new stuff it will offer, all this in one condition the fake smile that I may wear sometimes should not import fake feelings to my heart.
It will be the day where I will be somehow as the legends I have seen before, and hope I will sing my own song.

People I Met: Promenade

My enemy holds a mirror reflecting my strength points

My ally holds a mirror reflecting my weakness points

And a good companion polishes well those mirrors to avoid distraction

 
It all started long time ago, as I remember Shad was bolder than Geo.
Walking around on the border of the river in that wildness near their town.
Shad silent as always, but very attentive, I can't really tell what's in his mind.
Geo walking right after him, is a bit loud but seems that the silence of Shad is really dominating.
During there walk Geo wanted  to jump high and scream loud, he tried many times to pass Shad so he can take lead and enjoy his space, but this always failed he even once broke his nose cause Shad made him fall.
The walk continues, walk down in the town, with time Geo has learned well how to pass Shad, he made his big move and here he is dancing jumping, with no boundaries.
The tempo of the dance goes faster passing in between the shops then Geo gets a sudden hit on his head.
Shad gets near him, takes him by his hand to help him up, and here he gets a sudden punch on his nose. A look of anger on Geo's face, red eyes staring toward Shad, first person was Shad to be blamed the reason was not clear not even in the mind of Geo, but Shad has to be blamed.
Stayed there on the ground while Shad walks away, cold blood as always.
In vain Geo tried to carry on with his dance, a sudden fear broke into his heart, a low experienced person like him will be shocked after this accident, a merchant came close to him and said to him: "son you can't do it, here you are some water and relax."
He tries to stand again and jump high as before, but he simply couldn't, he developed a fear from his entourage, so his heart told him to go follow Shad again.
again the walk continues, Geo is in the back again reviewing and feeling that fight between safety and independence. Now away from people, in that road in the mountains the most relaxing and dreamy ambiance. Shad goes slower and slower, anger again gets over Geo who almost stepped over Shad's feet. this time he does not express his anger, Shad even kept going slower without talking till he stopped. That same look in his eyes, never ever changing, he sat down, Geo never questions the acts of Shad even that it always provokes him, time taught him not to question also taught him how to read behind the poker face of Shad. Breeze and beauty, sitting there comfort sneaks again to the heart of Geo especially that he managed to have a short conversation with Shad, very soon enthusiasm shines in the eyes of Geo and he starts to make some moves and few steps of a new dance. Dance dance smile and go high, the dance get more harmonious and intense, imaginary music plays in the head of Geo only Shad can hear it. Till a sudden move and Geo disappears, he slips and falls around few meters down... Still high from the dance the smile never leaves his face and his silent dance turns into a loud laugh with no clue how to get out of the hole he got him self into it. A sound of rattling made him jump high enough to catch the hand of Shad and get out of there.
Pick up there stuff and continues down the hill to the neighbor town, rare are the words and long is the conversation. New people there, they already met some of them but all connections has been cut so a short salutation is enough while each proceeds with his business.
"My friend the merchant who offered you the water, has always dreamed to be a dancer but he mistaken the words of life and thought it told him no one can ever be a dancer, and the rattling you heard was not a snake."

People I met: Super Night Club

- Hey you (Shad addressing to the PIMP) How does things work in here?
- You chose one of the dancers, and then you have two choices the first you offer her a drink and she spends 30min with you, second you buy a bottle and she stays with you the night and you pick her up from her hotel on a day she is free and she is yours for that day, you have to pay her extra money.
-That girl, second on the right what's her name? And what day is she free?
-Cynthia our new girl, she she's a perfect company, you can have her tomorrow.
-Great, then get me a bottle and get Cynthia to that table next to us I will wait there.

Anthony said: Shad what happened? I thought you had a promise to your self never to get a girl from such a place... remember? it is you who puts the rule of only have a drink and enjoy the show...
-Things changed the moment I stepped into this place "serpent's hole" it is indeed, now excuse me.

A cigaret in his trembling hand, his eyes checking around... He doesn't look comfortable, it is more like someone who is in a date with a gorgeous lady he already have a crush on, more than being waiting for a show girl, maybe because it is his first time in such situation since long time. Getting close to his table, she had some exaggerated makeup she had this fake smile on her face, she touches his shoulder and suddenly the smile faded... she took her hand off and took a step back, the PIMP pushed her again and introduced her to him.
-Here you are our gorgeous fresh lady Cynthia, you can call me, my name is Hyena, if you need anything sir.

A strange look in his eyes: Hello, Cynthia.
-You know my original... you can call me Dark Warrior.
-I paid to get Cynthia, and Cynthia I shall get.

She stood and signed to Hyena that she is leaving the table, he ran to the table.
-Any problem?
-Yes I do not like this gentleman, he insulted me.

Shad pushing his hand to the hand of Hyena...
-I paid for this, and I am gonna get it.

took her aside by her hand, obviously they didn't have a friendly conversation... She was treated like any other girl in this business... they get deprived of their dignity. Then he brings her back to the client.

-The Irony of life... while taking a deep breath and having that annoying smile that every one knows it hides pain besides it, Cynthia nice name, it suites a warrior who willingly surrendered to his enemy. He tried to touch her leg and reach her privates, she didn't let him, he caressed her cheeks and suddenly grabbed her hair, licked her neck and whispered in her ear: since you are here, I guess you do not want to lose this new job... You better obey. He hardly managed to ignore that ear ring that holds long stories.
-Now I got to leave, but I reserved you for tomorrow, you better be ready at noon and be dressed what suites your new way of life...


You are so strange tonight, proclaimed Anthony with a silly smile on his face and his tone that Shad hates, you were a bit rough to that bitch what a sudden change bro. But she is a good choice man, nice butt she gonna rock your day.
-Drive, I need a beer and a ride to enjoy my cigaret I need a fresh breeze and some calm, it really was a rough night, and it is gonna be harder tomorrow if you know what I mean...
Anthony smiled, his sober friend has shown a new wild side, what Anthony considers manhood... but he didn't dare to say any more words to him, he thought that it has been a pressure on his friend this is why he is not talking... he only admired him, terminating each cigaret right after the previous.

She opened the car door, stays next to him, dressed as he wished for... she didn't have to, she knows this but she did as he wishes, she is the old brave warrior but once again so weak in his presence or she pretends to be for a reason too private for her.
Not a single word was said, she walked behind him till the hotel room, he pushed her to the wall and he had his wild moments, she was as obedient as usual, does she enjoy this?

She knew what's in his heart, she waited the perfect moment to speak, I am the same old warrior... I want you to keep your same unique warm heart.
-You were a warrior, or at least I thought you were a warrior, but no you never were. You only are a liar, you were offered the chance to get a new warm life, you refused it while you hated yours, you then got set free to go make your supposed war you landed on this shit... remember the story I told you about? with all the evidences I had, but you insisted on taking the same adventure that you already end up lost after it a thousand time before. You are only a cheap woman full of foolishness.

He pushed her again into a rough and humiliating sex, and she surrenders... he never understood this she still touches him softly, this was always his greatest paradox.

Dropped her back to the hotel she threw back the money to him saying you will need it to come back and buy me a new bottle. he never knew and will never know what runs in her mind after he leaves her each time since he ever met her. How not to be affected, he was exhausted, for two days he acted against all his principles... He will have to work a lot to heal this injury, he will have to pray a lot not to lose the good that he always built his life upon. He will have to live with this mystery for the rest of his life, or not? Also he wonders if this ever was a mystery for her. He always thinks that he can see behind this wall that every one stops at the writings on it "bitch". Will he ever accept that she is a bad person, he never stops at the walls that people builds around their selves this is his gift that he enjoys. He will forget her cause life has to go on... He does not surrender but he had this lesson in life, "he must offer his self good presents and what it deserves".

People I met: Bleeding finger

Shad gave a phone call to Leo, they had their usual chat...
talking about good and bad, work and fun, but that time the conversation ended in a weird way, Leo rarely complains about his personal stuff, so his last words were "I need to see you tonight, I have to tell you something but has to be face to face."
Surprised by Leo's words, Shad instantly agreed to meet after a couple of hours.

Riding in Leo's car, at a lovely summer night on the highway, never thought about having dinner cause the conversation seemed that it needs complete privacy.
Both were calm, Shad did not want to ask what happened cause obviously that was the reason why he is there, preferred to let Leo get in the mood and start talking about his worries.
Minutes pass playing some soft music on the radio.
- Look
- What?
- look at my finger man, it's bleeding and doctors wouldn't do anything about it.

To his shock of what just happened Shad maintained silence, his thoughts took him away to a place he visits when in need of calm, that place can be reached at any time.
Leo continued: it hurts real bad, it has been like that since morning and did not heal.
With a gentle smile replied: it will be good don't worry, wounds takes time to heal.
- I know it is hard for you to understand what I am into, you never had a wounded finger... but I felt like I needed to tell someone about this.

Shad moved his eyes toward the ground while his hand caresses his leg, working hard to stop his tears traveled back to his secret place. Until Leo's voice breaks the silence again: I know that you had different accidents, but after that you had surgeries and they removed the cause of your pain, now you gave away your leg you can't see the scars any more, but look at me I will have to see my finger like this for days, and have to decide how to heal it.

Shad kept listening to how Leo had this horrible accident, and he made sure everything will be ok, till he went back home to his warm bed with who he shares a daily prayer, where a few minutes before sleeping Shad works on healing his thoughts.